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From: Michael B Holt (no email)
Date: Sat Aug 21 1999 - 13:03:56 EDT
On Sat, 21 Aug 1999 12:06:57 EDT writes:
> writes:
>
><< Obviously hazardous. Primarily seasonal. Naturally, I must
>point out that "snow birds" are not native to Florida. >>
>
>
>By south Florida, you might mean Miami. No snowbirds there, mostly
latin
>types, and some of the fiercest and most chaotic drivers I have ever had
to
>defend myself from.
>
>Norm
Gee, sounds pretty bad. Try this one, which I wrote for my residence:
To Drive In Richmond, Virginia....
....You must refuse to use turn signals to announce turns. Use
them to tell the world "I once made a turn!" or "I might want to
turn this car some time this week!" but never, never, never use
the turn signal to indicate any action to be taken in the next
few hours.
...You must park without nearing the curb. It's quite enough to
stop the car in the travel lane and turn on your emergency
flashers, especially when you expect to be out of the car for les
than an hour.
...You must beep your horn at intersections without lights, at
persons you think you may know and at dogs.
...You must never use the horn to warn off cats, but it's correct
to use it to scare squirrels into freezing in the middle of the
road.
...You must think of pedestrians not as targets but as goals:
that is, you must never actually strike one of them with the
bumper, but it's OK to brush them with the side of your car.
Extra credit for knocking them down. Another good trick is to
slow down when you see someone about to step of the curb, then
speed up when they get about halfway across the street.
...You must never, under any conditions, when turning at an
intersection, look in the direction you are turning. If you do
look before turning, you might have to admit that you saw the
pedestrian you knocked down. And never stop before turning, no
matter what.
...You must view bicycles and their riders as competitors in a
race to the next traffic light. Driving very near them, to force
them to slow down, is normal behavior.
...You must view traffic lights as "traffic speed and pattern
proposals," not as strict rules. Green light means go; yellow
light means go faster; red light means the same thing as yellow,
unless you're the third (or more) car back from the light when it
changes to red. If you're the third (or more) back, stomp on the
brakes to make sure everyone within six blocks knows you're
stopping.
...You must park across the pedestrian walkways when this is
possible. If those people really mattered, they'd have cars,
wouldn't they?
...You must park in alleys, when these are available, so that any
garage doors nearby are blocked. Extra credit for crushing or
overturning those silly plastic trash cans on wheels.
...You must park as close as possible to the next car, in those
times when you must bother to parallel park, especially at such
large gatherings as Arts In The Park. This is to prevent anyone
from leaving too soon (it's an economic civic duty, you
understand, to help produce more tax revenue for the city).
...You must turn on red lights -- it's the law -- without
stopping. That part about "...after stopping" is yet another
traffic pattern proposal, and it just slows you down on your way
to Shockoe Slip, anyway.
...You must, when parking at the curb, endeavor to either
overturn or push into the center of the sidewalk the recycling
bins. That's what they're really for; the beer bottles just add
to the fun.
...You must position your car so that the buses can't get out
into the traffic. Just stay beside the bus at the light, and
don't move for a while after the light turns green. Another
trick -- traditional for older drivers -- is to turn in front of
a bus as it's leaving the curb; it's fun to watch the standing
passengers fall.
...You must turn your car stereo up so loud that it can be heard
two blocks away. You'll know it's loud enough when you can't
hear anything at all after you turn the stereo off. Rap is the
traditional noise for this activity. Extra points if your
underarms are visible when doing this.
...Drive NO MORE THAN a half-block the wrong way, on a one-way
street. This is easy to do if you drive through the alleys.
...You must imagine that you're at a dragstrip when driving in
residential areas. This is especially true when the street is
one-way, narrow and has children living on both sides of the
street. Your speed at the end of each block must be in excess of
35 mph.
...You must, when arriving in front of a residence to pick up a
rider, stop in the middle of street, blow your horn loud and long
three times, race your engine, and then get out of the car and
begin to shout obscenities. However, this is not usually done
between the hours of 9 a.m and 4 p.m.
...You must, when parking at the same place frequently, fill your
car with junk. Rusty filing cabinets, old blankets, children's
clothing (very dirty), newspapers dated 1994 (or earlier) from
Norfolk, dog cages, construction materials and college textbooks
are the traditional choices. Do not leave on your dashboard
envelopes from Social Services or Social Security for everyone to
see; anything from Joe Morrissey is an upscale touch, however.
Lottery tickets, old and battered, also contribute to the image.
...You must, when rain starts, drive ten mph slower. In snow,
you must drive like you're paralyzed with fear or like you're on
a narrow residential street (see above). In case of snow, your
first stop on your first trip must be to a Ukrop's.
...You must have a key chain with a VCU ID attached, a Ukrop's
Preferred Customer Card, a Redskins or Cowboys tab and 27 keys
you can't identify. A small spray can of Mace is indicated for
the ladies; extra credit for both sexes if it hangs off your belt
from a two-foot silver chain. If it hangs around your neck,
exchange the 27 keys for a huge obnoxious fake-gold religious
medal from a religion you can't identify.
OK, I'll get back to real life now.
Michael
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